Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
he fucked my hip out of place.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
