1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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