GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
