I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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