Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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