When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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