he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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