Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
