dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
