She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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