I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
