You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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