I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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