just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
