I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
organizing the empties. That sober.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
