I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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