i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
