went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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