you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
