I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
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