You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
