Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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