there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
