why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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