6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
