You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
