shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
