I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
