Jerry, you need to find god
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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