So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
