is your mom at the bar?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
