My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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