I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
