apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
