Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
