i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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