I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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