WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
