This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
