so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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