I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
