Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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