He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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