Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
