I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
someone owes me an orgasm
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize