best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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