like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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