Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize