I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
