dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Randomize
