I could make wine with my vomit
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
