im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
