mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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