i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize