My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
