I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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