are you so shy because you have an std?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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