just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
