She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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